31 DEC 2022
mood: 
listening to: nothing right now
weather: cloudy, humid
okay i know i said that i'd see you all in the new year, but i have time to write and it's a saturday and saturdays are my days for posting blog entries. you'll notice one of them randomly disappeared, but thats because i was stupid and didn't realize i was editing the wrong page so unfortunately it's gone.
been a very difficult week, lots of running around town since yesterday trying to get everything outprocessed so i can leave. it's the worst time of year to have to do this considering it's a long weekend and everyone's working half days so instead of the 5 days i thought i was going to have it's really only just a few.
but i have managed to get everything accomplished somewhat on schedule, there's been a few hiccups that unfortunately i wont be able to handle until tuesday when everyone's back on their regular schedules again. but i ensured i was able to take care of everything else that i absolutely could take care of so that way the only things left to do were the ones that i couldn't do anything about - now there's nothing hanging over my head. until monday night that is...
today i cleared out an old room i had for storage mostly and it was kind of difficult. i had to go through everything to separate trash/donation items and it was really hard seeing some of that stuff again. i guess its just been such a tough several years and there was just so many things that happened that fundamentally changed me as a person and having to go through everything just kind of reminded me of it all.
i also had found every single letter, post card, note, etc that my mom had mailed me in the last 4 1/2 years and it made me really emotional. im kind of a mommas boy despite everything and just seeing how much she'd written to me with most of the cards being handmade idk it was a lot for me to think about. ofc i kept them all, im the type of person that keeps anything that has handwriting on it from someone important to me.
strangely enough it was weirder saying goodbye to that little room that i used to LOATHE living in so much than it is saying goodbye to my apartment. then again, my apartment still isn't very packed up. maybe once it's empty itll be harder to say goodbye to everything.
the move is becoming an even bigger stress than it was before. my dad is supposed to fly up here to help me with moving things since i have no one to help me but my mom tested positive for covid yesterday. so now i'm stressed about my mom having covid as well as the fact that if my dad tests positive then i'll be stuck without any help.
even though i've driven a 16 foot truck before i dont feel comfortable or confident trying to drive a big ass uhaul - let alone driving one while towing a car with 2 cats beside me in the front seat all while trying to keep a good speed going down steep mountain roads. so fingers crossed that everything works out with that. i still need to schedule the uhaul but now with the possibility of my dad not coming out here i'm hesitant to go through the effort. i feel like if i schedule it he won't be able to come, that's normally how things work. thankfully most of my furniture comes apart, i'll just have to take a few trips back and forth...
so much pressure on me these last few weeks, i'm really glad that it's almost all over. though i know after the 1st i'll be getting slammed with emails. i have a job interview here very soon on the same day that i have to finish clearing stuff at work as well as pick my dad up from the airport an hour away that night. it feels like the list of things to worry about never ends, i'm not oneof those people who can just turn their brains off and stop worrying unfortunately.
well on that note, i figured it would be fun to do a tag for the new year! i got this off of someone's deviantart journal you should do it too!
-did your art get better or worse this year?
not sure.. i think it got a little worse because i took so much time away from drawing that i lost a little bit of fluidity/skill but i do think it's something i can regain with some time and effort
-did you draw something you are really proud of?
there were a few pieces that i guess at the time i didn't think much of but now i look back on fondly. i was also able to finally publish chapter 3 of my webcomic which i had been working on for well over a year
-did you make any new friends?
not really.. this was kind of a year of isolation for me as my 2 friends that i hung out with from work weren't around. one was gone for work and the other moved away so i just kind of kept to myself for a good part of the year
-did you confess to anyone?
no.. i have nothing to confess..
-did your relationship with your parents change?
not really? i think i got a little bit closer with my dad or at least we started talking a little bit more.
-did you go anywhere new?
no, i didn't even leave NC except for christmas this year. i think ill have more opportunity to go different places and do new things next year though.
-did you keep your new years' resolution?
didn't make any but i did start walking daily in the spring and did pretty good sticking with it until the weather got cold again.
-will you make a new years' resolution this year?
i dont think so, im really big on knowing my limits and setting achievable goals so making resolutions kind of tends to set me up for failures. i do plan on focusing a lot more on weightlifting aspect of fitness just because i got so depressed and fell out of going to the gym and i lost so much muscle mass and weight. my goal is to be a lot bigger by the time it gets hot so no one at school has to see me like this haha i also want to try being more frugal this year
-has your taste in music changed?
no, then again ive always had a pretty broad taste in music so theres not really any real way to define my taste
-what's one lesson you learned this year?
time management... stay on top of people and dont be afraid to make calls/send emails when it matters a lot to you. stop being so uptight and relax a little, there's no reason for me to keep masking when i'm to the point now wehre i can start living authentically. ok well that's more than one so ill quit while i'm way ahead of myself
-do you feel you've come closer to your goals?
oh Man yeah big time... i accomplished some of my main wants this year with turning over a new leaf in my life and starting a new chapter. really set out with a specific intention in january and ended up achieving it... lots of stress but it's finally coming to fruition
-has your self-esteem grown?
some ways yes, some ways no. i mentioned above that i lost a lot of weight and that negatively impacted my self esteem amongst other problems ive already gone over here in the past. just the way i interact with others also makes me feel like dirt but im working on it lol
-what is your best moment of 2022?
finally getting out of this job, swimming in the mountains, all the animals i got to see on my walks, stargazing, sitting on my porch in the summertime reading, theres a lot. i had so much free time this year but couldn't really travel since i needed to still be in the area and on call for work
-what is a moment you want to forget?
i cant think of anything so ive probably already forgotten it
-do you feel much older this year?
yes and no... some ways i very much feel like i'm still 19 like i was at the start of all this like it got put on pause and now the play button is being pressed again.. but i'm not 19 anymore and i feel like i didnt spend my 20s the way an avg early 20s person does and i didnt develop properly bc of it. but then again in general ive never developed properly throughout any stage of my life so its on brand for me i guess
-what's your new year wish?
honestly? for everything to work out this week. i've come too far to fall on my face so i realllllly really hope everything works out.
-what did you do for your birthday?
i didnt do anything on my actual birthday but a few weeks afterwards was when i went swimming in the mountains and had the whole river to myself
-how did you dress for halloween?
i didnt do anything for halloween this year which was a little bit of a bummer but considering what happened in 2021 halloween its maybe for the best i took a break lol
-what colour do you think of when you think over this year?
definitely green
-who has been your closest companion this year?
my boyfriend slater, all my friends, and of course my cats simon and margot
-how many animals have you pet this year?
hmmmm... just simon and margot and my moms cat. maybe my friends dog? not a lot
-sum up the year in four words?
i dont know man!
-what has been your most used emoji?
=] is my go to
-what did you eat a lot of?
LOTS of bowtie pasta with chicken + vodka sauce. ohh and i had a big thing for frozen raspberries in the summer and for a few months i was really on skillet frying asparagus in butter w/ garlic and eating it w balsamic.. so good
-what did you drink a lot of?
water, those mf iced chai lattes man... soooo many chai lattes i need to get my life under control
-did you find a new aesthetic?
no.. i haaaaatee the whole "aesthetic" categories just like what you like !
-have you changed your username?
i did change my username for my art account. or maybe i did that in 2021.. ill be honest i dont even know LOL
-has someone changed your opinion on something?
yes... reading robin kimmerer's book braiding sweetgrass at just the right time in my life changed my opinion on a lot of things about myself/my place in the world
-did you like the music in the charts this year?
tbh not really, it's not that i avoid trends because they're trendy but i think pop music in the last few years is really really bad..
-do you think this year was better or worse than last year?
in some ways it was way better, in some ways it was worse. i think i was more stressed out this year, but i was more mentally unstable in 2021. really only had a handful of Incidents this year and they were nothing compared to the Incidents i had in 2021 which make me want to kick myself in the head but alas... thats just what being psychotic is about
-do you think next year will be better or worse than this year?
well itll probably be better in some areas and in other areas its going to be a little harder. i know the beginning of the year will be tough financially with the move/gas going up again and starting school will be a difficult adjustment for me at first. but i generally have high hopes for 2023.
-what are you most excited for next year?
starting school, new job, new apartment, new town, being able to finally socially transition after 3 years on HRT
-when's the latest you've stayed up?
probably this last week when i drove down to texas.. i left at 11 AM eastern and arrived in texas at 10 AM central, then proceeded to stay awake until 10-11 that night. i really thought i was going to keel over lol
-when's the earliest you've woken up?
this year? can't really remember but if i had a specific Shift i had to work this year then probably 1-2 AM
-i tag:
you! whoevers reading this, if you have a place for blogging on your neocities then i tag you to post this =]
feeling pretty lazy today but i need to focus on packing my apartment. i need to run to home depot and get some wallpaper borders to fix the spots that simon and margot tore when they were babies as well as some moving boxes but blah... i'm really out of it today. tomorrow will be a better day to take a break either way before having to start again on monday/tuesday.
ok, this time ill for real see you all in 2023. happy new year and i hope you all stay safe and warm and know that i think youre all very cool. love neocities what a great place love the world wide web.
