mood:
listening: boards of canada - sdesis
weather: cloudy, cool
time: 15:33

well i finally managed to get in contact with all those people i've been trying to contact. school answered me about the questions i had but my rep for the medical stuff left me with even more questions since her email was sort of a bunch of nonsense and super misspelled. there was a second that i thought i was getting scammed or something because normally my rep writes professionaly but this time it was like i said just word salad so i have no idea whats going on with that still except to just sit and wait and get everything done that i need to get done. which this week i should be finishing up the last of, just need to turn in my gear which is a little sad to think about. i guess it means like wow, it's really happening. i have all my duffels staged and ready to get loaded into the car, i just need to clear my trunk out today which im about to go do. it's just got 2 bags full of clothes that i've been meaning to drop off at one of those donation boxes and some assorted Stuff that's been floating around in there for who knows how long.

ill also have to start just in general going through stuff soon, there's a lot of books that i just dont need to hold onto anymore that need to take a trip to goodwill and some blankets that im gonna take to the humane society. just trying to downsize before i move, it feels like i have so much stuff that's just taking up space and that stresses me out. i also have a lot of literal Garbage that needs to go to a dumpster but we don't have dumpsters at my little apartment area, there's just a couple of small trash cans and they freak the fuck out if you throw away anything that doesn't fit into a standard sized trash bag. for big boxes i just cut them into strips because i'm stubborn and the dump is too far away, but i have some stuff like a broken office chair that i have no way to dispose of besides taking it to the dump. i'd find someone to give it to but the cats ripped it to literal pieces when they were babies and in general it was missing parts when i got it so it's assembled wrong.

guess it just makes me think about waste a little more critically, esp when it comes to getting new stuff. always feels alittle bit guilty to get new stuff, i get overwhelmed when i think about it too hard and consider all the trash and waste that's already out there and contemplate if what im getting is just going to end up contributing to that. there is a fine line between being conscious about something and stressing out over something and im not very good at treading Between The Two you feel me. just thinking about things too hard i guess.

ive been fussing over my desktop layout recently, i like to switch it up every few months to keep things feeling fresh. been really digging the aero look for things recently but there's not really any good sinks for windowblinds that i felt satisfied with enough so i went back to using the olive XP luna look. you can click here to see what it looks like right now, itll probably change because this feels too spring/summery and i know im gonna be hankering for the winter feeling here soon. i miss when it was easier to customize stuff, it feels like you have to jump through so many hoops now but maybe it's always been like that and im just being fussy...

also finally managed to get my macbook factory reset and update it, still debating if i want to get rid of it or not. it runs adobe products better than my pc (i knwo i know booo we hate adobe but i use premiere and photoshop a lot) and it's nice to have a laptop to use to write in bed or take on longer trips. though not that i really go on many trips anymore but on the rare occassion that i Do. anyway its just nice to have that thing fixed up and being usable again instead of just sitting under my bed

kind of sad to not be doing anything for halloween this year. last year i went out with friends and it was pretty unenjoyable, year before i was on a trip with coworkers and the same went for the year before that one too, so i went from never getting to do anything for halloween to having done stuff for 3 years in a row and i think ive come to the conclusion that i Do like going out and doing things w people occasionally. maybe its for the best though as i havent relaly been feeling good mentally been in a bad mood and really up and down all over the place and while most people would probably be like "go do something itll take your mind off ofit" that sort of thing normally just makes me feel crazier or more alienated from my friends when i hang out in a bad mood.

so because of bad mood ive been trying to crack down on having a routine again, getting back into taking daily walks and doing yoga twice a day ummm definitely does not solve all your worries or problems but having something "Required" of you and briefly takes up your time / thought does something... not sure what it does btu maybe it helps 0.00002% which counts for something All of its own IMO.

nothing to really show for art wise im still trying to get out of this creative funk its sooo depressing i miss drawing and being creative it was the best way for me to vent my emotions and now that it's gone from me i feel extra like... emotionally constipated. part of the problem is that im just so uninspired nothing inspires me to do anything anymore and i dont' know if this is solved by fixing my outward world before i can fix my inward world or if its vice-versa that fixing the inward will fix the outward. or maybe its just an i need to be patient thing which is even harder because i feel like im "running out of time" even though there's no real countdown.

well.. i am just kind of putting off taking these clothes, i want to go and do it before it gets dark since driving out here past sundown is a nightmare everyones LED lights r so freaking unbelievably bright. so i guess i will stop being lazy and get up and Use the rest of my day for something other than sitting here scrolling social media (blocked twitter off my PC again and maybe i should take it off my phone too). guess this is it for this week not much to really share with you all so i will see you next weekend