mood:
listening: Ария - Беспечный ангел
weather: clear
time: 13:31

i think from now on ill try to at the very least do a weekly blog post.. i wanted to start doing a walk log too since i walk every day and i always see something interesting or worth taking a picture of but i just haven't gotten around to doing that yet. plus i'll be moving soon and im a little worried im going to end up somewhere that i can't really walk safely in or walk at all =[ i really hope that's not the case because i loooove going for walks it's a really important part of my daily routine. every evening at about 1900 (or earlier sometimes depending on the weather) ill leave and walk about 4-5 miles depending how i feel. there are some really nice forest trails in my neighborhood where ill start my walk then continue looping through the neighborhood until it gets dark and i head home.

considering this is my very first apartment ive been lucky on a number of things like no room mate, good safe neighborhood, secluded, plenty of forest and low light pollution. living in a rural area comes with a lot of downfalls but i think the pros outweigh the cons. for instance rent is pretty doable- unles you're trying to rent a house that comes with land and/or has a good view but if you're living in an outdated townhouse like myself it isn't half bad. the light pollution like i mentioned earlier is also a big thing that i wasn't expecting, as long as theres no clouds i can see the milky way every single night =)

living so close to wooded areas is nice too. i'm always getting to see hawks, deer, foxes and sometimes i'll see little mustelids. not sure what they are as im from an area where we didnt see those at all growing up. unfortunately this neighborhood seems to be a popular spot for new builds. theres a lake out here with a little area that people would often sit to fish at and recently they clear cut most of the trees to make preparations for a new house. all the construction sites here have portajohns on them which dont get serviced so there are many parts of the neighborhood that have gone from smelling like the Fresh OUtdoors to old rotten piss and shit.. its really sad.

more and more of the forest keeps getting put up for sale too. there is an area that looks like it still has old growth on it thats now been divided into 2 lots and put up for sale. i think itll probably be a while before it sells because whoever buys it will have the joy of trying to clear out shit loads of kudzu but it will inevitably happen. the thought of moving away made me a little sad at first but the more things around here change (just in the last 2 years ive lived here) the more i realize that yes... its definitely time to get a move on. guess thats just the way things go that never ending change cycle



cant remember a time where i felt such a defined shift from summer -> fall. north carolina is definitely a lot cooler than texas but the first few years i was here were a little warmer than usual (much like it is everywhere these days) yet this year once september came around there was a definite shift in the air even before the temperature changed. maybe it's because ive been able to spend a lot more time this year getting in tune with the earth/world around me and im able to be more perceptive to small changes that i was overlooking before. who knows either way watching the seasons change and feeling things shift around me has been comforting in a time in my life where things are doing the exact same thing

but the changes in my life are a lot slower and more unpredictable than the changes in nature. im still waitting to hear news on my medical retirement and the longer i have to wait the more anxious i get. all my plans for the future kind of hinge off of this stuff so not being able to /make/ these plans drives me alittle crazy. even beyond the "i need structure" type of way, simply sacrificing myself to letting the Powers That Be work around me (what choice to i have) isn't enough to comfort me like it usually is because things and others are depending on me now. i have a lot of stake put into this going well and maybe that was my first error was doing so...

and then there's the part of me that wants to be selfish and say i deserve to have a goal that i put my heart into! i deserve to expect something from the world around me! which ... is that really even selfish or is that just Human nature... im not sure yet. i dont think other people are selfish for doing that so why do i think that im selfish when i do the same thing? maybe its just because i have had plans and goals that have gone wrong so many times ive taught myself not to get excited or hopeful for anything but i also dont want to live my life simply not expecting anything from it. "everything happens for a reason" and "everything is already decided" are two concepts that i believe in and embrace as much as i can but im also just a Guy and this guy wants his plans to work out!!!

on a different note i went to ikea this week and got some small stuff ive been wanting to get. when it's night my monitor is too bright and i needed a little lamp to put behind it so my eyes wouldn't be as strained and well what better place to go than ikea... i love ikea it's super nostalgic for me. when i was a kid my dad and i would drive about 2 hours to houston every now and then to go get coffee and look around at indian grocery stores. we'd also always go to ikea just to look around at stuff and it always felt so futuristic to me in like that early-mid 2000s way. i still get that same feeling whenever i go there and smell that ikea smell. there's only one in NC and it's all the way in charlotte so it was a little bit of a drive but i felt like it was well worth it.

while i was there i ended up finding these really inexpensive tablet stands for 2 dollars. ive been having a lot of trouble with my arm drawing at my desk and figured it was worth a shot for 2 dollars, i haven't gottten a chance to really test it out yet but i feel like it's just the right angle for drawing. they had some wood ones but they were too steeply angled. the lamp i got is really cute and i kind of regret not getting something less cute because it sits behind my monitor and i dont get to look at it =[ i might move it to the side though we'll see.

they have these little scented cardboard hanger things for your closet that i got as wellto put in my car since i'm trying to ditch plastic and i would normally get the little febreeze car vent scents. i kind of realized how much these contribute to waste and single-use plastic pollution so i figured this would be a good alternative. its definitely not as strong as the car vents and i haven't really even noticed them to be honest but it's not like my car stinks or anything. i might try putting some of my oil perfume on them to see if it works to diffuse the scent... idk i am a smell guy i like to have Smells in my environments but i dont want to have single use plastic hanging aorund me anymore grrrr

well i guess thats it for now bye peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!