27 JAN 2023
mood: 
listening to: skyrim atmospheres - jeremy soule
weather: sunny, cold
well i think the city life is starting to catch up to me... okay well i really am not living the "city life" but living this close to civilization is bumming me out a little. its hard to put my finger on it bc i go to a very small school in the mountains and spend a majority of my time outside walking around campus but i feel farther away from nature than i did before
its also funny bc the city that i live in is considered very outdoorsy and like... crunchy i guess? its very much not though and while its nice being this close to things i cant help but long for my quiet roads that i was free to wander all night long if i really wanted. i kind of feel like kiba from wolf's rain these days just wanting to leave the city.. acting all dramatic about it. listening to skyrim atmospheres track got me thinking about it since it was my favorite track to put on while walking. it makes me miss summertime which is hard to admit but i do miss the warmer days. its a lot colder out here even though ijust moved 3 hours away.
last night i went to this mini-canvas painting thing that was happening at my school and hung out with some friends. i painted mr. richard james aphex twin but i left him in my car so i dont have a picture of it. i accidentally made him look like a navi(spelling?) from avatar or whatever so maybe its for the best.
thinking about taking a little hike somewhere quiet i found out about tomorrow but i also have a lot of commissions i still have waiting for me, so i might push it off until sunday instead. i think i need time to reconnect with nature since its not so readily available to me now... i was in the walmart parking lot earlier tonight andi could hear coyotes wailing in the distance but it just made me feel sad.... there are a lot of beautiful things out here that make me feel sad and i cant figure out why
i definitely dont regret moving here as i really like it out here and i enjoy living with my bf so much. but i am looking forward to when our lease comes up and we can hopefully move a little further outside of town where it's quieter and more reserved. its hard to describe but something important has changed inside of me after the last year that went by and im not sure how to satisfy it
in other news... my mom made me a tote bag and mailed it to me. it came in today. ill take pictures of it for next week, i took some jokey pictures modeling it but theyre too embarassing for me to share here.
its nice to have someone make something for you by hand.. makes it sooo special and neat. i should get back into sewing, ive only ever sewn a pillowcase and fursuit stuff before but id like to know how to make useful things for people. to me, useful things that are handmade are the best gifts ever
struggling with essay stuff tonight. it's funny that the stuff i thought would be hard is coming a little easier to me than i realized, and the stuff that i thought would be easier is harder. i do really well when i have rigid guidelines that i have to follow but when someone asks for an essay with no guidelines or requirements i feel very scattered and lost. i submitted my first one earlier but still mulling over this other one that im working on... blah. work starts next week so i'm a little excited for that and i should be getting my DD214 in a few days which will be a HUGE relief as i need it to start getting my disability payments.
guess i can't say that the army never did anything for me but then again theyre the reason im in this position in the first place. the tuition assistance is definitely nice though so i wont complain. its still pretty embarassing when people find out that i'm former military and i always feel like ihave to explain myself - something that i am trying to unlearn. im resisting the urge to explain myself right now.
well i think i'm gonna go back to my schoolwork and try to get everything submitted tonight so tomorrow i can get throguh my commission queue and maybe play some SSO as it's been a minute and nothing cheers me up like a dumb horse mmo made for teenaged girls. i hope you had a good week and that youre all doing good ^_^ Pce and luv.. moby...