mood:
listening: savage young taterbug - victor the vapor rubber
weather: clear
time: 18:55

it's kind of freaky how quickly the week goes by... i feel like i say this every time i post but ill be going about my day and suddenly realize that it's saturday and i need to make a new post. then i look and see all the other entries and IDK! it just feels weird okay! anyways i went on a walk earlier and i saw a really big mushroom, i dont know what kind it is but of course i had to take a picutre of it. a month or two ago in the same spot there had been a gatorade bottle and when i went to pick it up i noticed a huge mushroom of the same type. i guess this guy is off the same mycelial network. either way it makes me miss the warmer months, my apartment is too drafty/cold to grow mushrooms in during the winter so i'm excited for spring.. but of course when spring comes... i'll be in my new place! which is Very exciting. ill have even more space to do my mushroom work. i want to try growing some lions mane and some oysters, but i have plenty more winter to get through before i settle on plans.

recently i decided that i was not gonna stress myself out about school stuff anymore and that i would just go with the flow instead of driving myself crazy and emailing people asking 4000 million questions.. but it's getting harder and harder to do that. it's beena few weeks since i last heard anything and i'm getting worried but some of my friends tell me it's still early. maybe i am still stuck in my army mindset where things need to happen Fast or else you'll slip through the cracks? idk.. i dont want to sit here and be like "im being neurotic" and end up ignoring my instinct and slipping thru da cracks. it hasn't happened to me before but that's because i'm persistent and stay on top of things, but this time around dealing w/ the civilian world it seems that it really botheres people when you do that so im trying to be Good you feel ?

i was able to finish a few drawings last week which was refreshing, you already know i've been art blocked for so long. my BF wanted me to draw some postal art for it so i had fun with that as well as a more personal piece too. i'll be adding both of them to my archive on here tonight as soon as i'm done with this.

haven't been walking as much since it got really cold the last week or two but now that things are a little warmer ive been able to get back into the swing of things. there is something so exciting about going on a walk when it gets so dark now. just a few months ago i would've been looking at the clock and thinking "its too early to go just yet.." and now i have to go on a walk super early to make the most of the light. i would really like to live somewhere far north where i can experience polar night, a lot of people tell me that i wouldn't enjoy it but well ive never experienced it so i dont know for myself... i think it would be really awesome to witness it at least once. for a while i considered WWOOFing somewhere in The Far North but i ended up on my current path instead. theres still plenty more opportunities though its not like my life is Over. i specifically want to go to north sweden and see the sapmi wilderness because that's where my ancestors come from. tbh i am not much of a bucket list person because i don't really know what i want out of life but i do really want to visit and see it for myself and hike. it would be cool to see the northern lights someday too, i know you can see them in some places in the US but i've never gotten the chance to.

there's something a little sad thinking about how eventually i'm gonna take my Last Walk in this neighborhood i am a very sentimental person so saying goodbye to places that ive lived is always a little hard especially when its part of turning over into a very new and different chapter in my life. this year had a lot of mental breakthroughs for me and a lot of them were given to me by spending time in the forest here on my walks in the evening or sitting out on my porch in the afternoon being able to soak in the silence under the hot sun or sitting in the field under the milky way... this next place im moving is right off a busy road so i'll have to say goodbye to the quiet for now. and while it's not in the city it's close enough to not be able to see the milky way. however its right next to the BRP so i'll have plenty of access to places where i'll be able to drive/hike to see stars still. i'll also be way closer to the areas i like to hike but don't get to frequently because they're such a long drive from here.

so while there's some things lost there are other Better things gained... and it's also only temporary because who knows wher i'll end up once i finish school? 4 years flies Right by faster than U realize. there are times when i have to stop and think that my god. 2018 was 4 years ago - about to be FIVE!!! insanity to me. i remember signing my 6 year contract and thinking "that's so far away how am i gonna make it through this" and here we are.. well not 6 years later because the circumstances are Drastically differnt (for the best) but still close enough. sometimes i think this stunted my emotional growth because in many ways i still feel like i'm 19 instead of 24 and like the world's been on pause.. bc My world's been on pause... but it aint like that

itll be weird to be suddenly Thrust back into the world and have the play button pressed again and i only hope that it doesnt trip me up and ill be able to figure it out. or maybe there wont be any sudden thrust at all and ill be able to just go right in? i dont know just yet i guess time will tell... im excited but at the same time nervous about so many different things and im like Painfully aware of my short time here on earth as well. not like in a doom and gloom way but in a wowwww i cant believe i havent been appreciating my life this whole entire time and spent so much time caring about what ppl think instead of just following what im passionate over kind of way. does that make sense. im definitely not "too late" but i really am tired of living how i've been living and im ready to Move On

a lot of this was just because of how i was raised i dont think my family intentionally bullied me i just think that was how my dad was raised and my mom was so passive she just kind of watched as my dad and brother would really just nitpick/make fun of everything i did. i also dont blame my dad because it was probably how his parents treated him and he's kind of grown out of that over the years. either way though it still did really effect my self confidence growing up and even still to this day after i thought i had dissected everything and "figureged it all out" i still catch myself acting too timid to do the things i want to do even like on a Microscopic level like wearing clothes i want to wear or on a larger scale like going to the gym. theres just a lot of shit i'm going to have to unlearn after a lifetime of letting anxiety tell me waht to do but i'm just not sure where to start. my social worker gives me the 'great' advice of "wlel you just have to do it anyway!" which im sure is part of it but my Gawd do i hit that roadblock every time. it doesnt matter how many massive Breakthroughs that i've had i still circle back into old habits.

anyways on an epic and cooler note i started redoing my desktop theme yesterday, i think ill wait until later to share it with you guys because its still kind of a mess. i havent decided what i wanna go with yet, but it was time to swtich from summer/autumn to a more Wintery theme.. but i cant decide on what flavor of winter you know what i mean like theres the blue and white icy dry cold feeling with bright blue sky type of feel but then theres the blue/purple winter that has that humid cold and then theres also the grey and green winter do you see my dilemma. speaking of winter the SSO winter event is coming up and i need to finish my SSL/SSO shrine page...

ok well i think ive talked just about all i can talk, think im gonna go drink some of this coffee drink i picked up from the grocery store and play some video games, tomorrow im gonna hit my routine again hard .. well i mean i will go with the flow but i think its still important to force yourself to do some things like stretching/exercising. gotta make the most of the warm-ish weather before it goes cold again. see you guys nxt week, i should have some fairly Big updates by next saturday