25 FEB 2023
mood: 
listening to: nothing atm
weather: rainy all day
i meant to write yesterday, but i had school and work in the morning and when i got home i went straight to charlotte to go to ikea. that of course took way way longer than i meant for it to, but it had to be done!
needed a little fold-out couch for guests to sleep on before my mom comes down next week and a few other things too. everything fit perfectly right into my beloved honda fit... i dont knwo what ill do when it comes time to get a new car, its my favorite thing in the world and so dependable. everything loaded in perfectly and i was able to get everything built today while my bf was at work. i also rearranged the bedroom and its a little cozier now that the bed isnt up against the wall, kept getting squished between the wall and my bf at night so now ill have a little more wiggle room.
was really feeling good about my chemistry course that i'm in before this last week, the material in our packets are different than what he teaches us and the homework is different from both of those so i end up just feeling lost and confused. he also hasn't gone over some really important stuff with us that i'm still completely lost on and the midterm is on thursday.
thankfully, one of my term classes ends this week so even if i do poorly on this midterm ill be able to have more time to study things before the final comes around. it's just frustrating because i felt like i was finally getting things and understanding + enjoying chemistry before all fo this happened. not to mentioned i bombed one of the homework things he assigned to us through the web app we do our chemistry assignments on since the layout it wanted us to submit things on was completely alien to me.
oh well, i'm going to study all day tomorrow and catch up on a few little assignments ill have to take care of. it was super warm this week and sunny a few days too, its got me excited for summertime and swimming in the rivers out here.. i want to go exploring pisgah for some waterfalls and just exploring in general.
well now i have all these boxes i have to figure out what to do with, and a couch that needs a home too. i'm thinking ill probably dissassemble the couch and take it to get donated or give it to someone, it's not nearly nice enough to try selling on marketplace. it'll be such a relief to finally get all these old moving boxes out of here and get rid of that shitty couch, everything laying around the apartment has been really stressing me out.
but that's a tomorrow job, along with all the studying i need to do. if anyone has good recommendations for learning low-level chemistry that isn't khan academy ill love you forever. for some reason i thought brilliant would have chemistry courses but it doesnt, which kind of sucks because i really like the way their lessons break things down. i plan on just practicing things until i understand it at its most difficult so the things on the midterm and final won't be so scary to me.
it's times like this i really lament being homeschooled.... but theres no sense in moping over that. i find ex-homeschoolers really get caught up on dwelling on their homeschooled experiences so hard that it interferes with them improving themselves.
don't get me wrong i think having to deal with the after effects of being homeschooled is really devestating and it can fuck w/ your life super hard and i speak from experience... but at the same time at what point do you eventually decide to move on and improve yourself?
its easy to let yourself hold yourself back especially if you dwell on everything too hard and there's so many ways to learn things and self-tutor, even if youre like me and struggle a lot to learn things. i think learning things in itself is a learning process- like you have to learn how to learn if that makes sense.
and its worth it to allow yourself to begin to move on and learn how to learn in your own way and integrate into social settings in your own way. i think the "your own way" part is very important in this context.
well i guess that's really all i have for today. i'm really stressed out and i'm feeling kind of sad out of nowhere so i think it's shower time and then get in bed time. kind of just in this weird in-between of feeling shitty and stressed but i think my brain is so burnt out from these 2 feelings that they just dont fully register to me anymore blah.... ok anyways PEACE out i will see you guys next week and hopefully with good news about my midterms.. fingers crossed