mood:
listening: pest - satanic winter
weather: cold, clear
time: 11:08

its cold... i was just complaining last week about how hot/humid it was and now i am regretting it. way colder than it normally is this time of year in my state but im trying to enjoy it because i know it's gonna be back in the 80s again inevitably because well thats just winter in southern US. i am kind of a cheapskate and ive been really enjoying fall because my A/C hasn't had to run at all for a month or two so my light bill has been 40$ recently and that's kind of addicting to me. caving and turning on the heat is hard but once it got into the 20s this week i decided that i'd turn it on... more so for my cats because i thought about them being cold and it made me sad lol. another good thing about the cold is i'll wake up in the morning and they're both snuggled up against me, normally it's just margot who sleeps on the bed with me at night. simon sleeps on the floor by the stairs, i think it's because he gets hot but part of me likes to pretend he does it to keep guard.

i was able to get a lot of things out of the way this week. well maybe not a Lot but it was things that were pressing and hanging over my head. i applied for that apartment that i toured last weekend and got approved =] there wasn't any real reason for me to be worried over that because i have good credit (right now) and good rent history. they wanted a million freakin things for the application which i'm not really used to but i guess maybe it's normal if youre going through a leasing company/apartment complex. my current apartment is a condo owned by a little old couple and applying for it was as simple as just talking to them for a little bit and them determining if they trusted me with it

so now all that's left is to just wait some more. but i have ealways been pretty good at waiting despite how angry it makes me sometimes. another thing that i was relieved to get out of the way was turning in all my gear, the issuing facility is backed up and it's hard to get an appointment so i had to go in(can't make it over the phone), make the appointment then wait 2-3ish weeks. there was a little bit of confusion because i have a lot of extra stuff that suddenly wasn't on my record? so i brought some of it in to make sure and they took it but didn't ask for any of the other stuff. i wasn't missing anything which was a Big relief because that means that i don't have to buy anything that was missing.

it was super relieving to turn that stuff in but also a little sad at the same time. most of the stuff was from when i moved here, but there were a few things that i had since SC that had been with me all around the world. but in a way it's also a nice way to end this chapter and detach myself from a lot of the negative experiences/memories that i've gotten from this job/the last 4-5 years. its nice 2 move on... there is a lot of change happening in life and it's kind of overwhelming but im just trying to let it happen.

either way i'm glad to be rid of all this stuff and i'll be selling the extra to make alittle bit of cash to cover moving costs. there's several things that i need to get rid of before i move, there's an ikea couch that i have that I don't really have any use for anymore (i cant even find it on the website) and it's not very comfortable so i plan on giving it away. there's also a corner table that i have that's missing the screws for the legs but that's my fault bc i was going to give the table to a friend that was visiting and they couldn't fit it into their car. we unloaded it + the legs and they drove off but we forgot about the screws i figured it's not very hard to just. buy screws for it you feel me. i also think ihave extra laying around somewhere? i'm just not sure if we're gonna need a corner table in the new apartment. it might go to goodwill... i think..

i want to get a little futon to put in the other room just for if friends or whatever come to visit, btu i think this is a future idea because i plan on pinching pennies into the new year. tbh i am already kind of frugal but i really want to make sure that this move doesnt set me too far back esp. since there's going to be a lapse in payment while i wait for my tuition beneifits +other pay to begin. think they siad it's about a month before it starts. i've been doing pretty good saving but i could be doing better.. and now i think i'm about to have to buy ANOTHER fucking new tire. this will be the fifth. all 4 of my tires went flat over the last year or so and cost me a small fortune, then i had to get a new wheel bearing which was 500$ and apparently my shocks need replacing. i googled the general cost for that and it looks like on avg that sort of thing costs around 800$ so no.. i dont think i need new shocks anytime soon

as much as i love my little car i do think i'll have to look at getting a new one soon. if it were up to me id live in a town where i didnt even NEED a car but well thats life in the US. living in europe was so awesome because i could just walk anywhere i needed to go. there were two parks in walking distance of my apartment, the city center was in walking distance, work was down the road from me and the store was just a block away. out here, i have to drive 15 minutes to get to the nearest grocery store and an hour to work. cant complain too much because i chose to move this far away from work though i guess... idk just the thought of having to get a new car and being thrust back into car note payments stresses me out SO badly... i finished paying off this car in 2020 so going 2-3 years without a car note really has been a big financial relief aghhh dont WANT to get a new one but at this point i am paying so much for maintanence =[ i think i can still get a little more out of it... i hope

it feels like ive been writing this post for ages but i got too cold halfway throguh and got up to shower and got distracted now half my day is gone. today i think i'll try to draw some, i'm still super artblocked and uninspired. with the move coming up and my financial situation changing i want to open commissions just so i can drum up some savings to pad everything out but there was little interest last time i opened so i think i need to change up what i'm offering... btu when it comes to drawing examples for the purpose of having examples to offer + make sure im comfortable drawing im literally just pulling blanks every time. everything is so boring now when it comes to art... someone asked me once about commissioning me for a piece that looks more like something i normally draw but it's so much effort and work and it's such a gamble because a lot of the time when i draw nothing comes out of it... the pieces i do post are when i got lucky and got Something

so it just kind of makes me uncomfortable to think about charging someone for something that might come out lackluster. and i could just charge a relatively cheap price but a lot of effort goes into any avg piece of mine so then that wouldnt be fair to myself and would ultimately defeat the purpose of opening commissions in the first place... its a tricky game of knowing the value and worht of your work and time. you have to be realistic but that goes for either end.. can't overcharge people but you can't undercharge yourself. this is why in general i dont like doing commissions because i have low opinion of myself and my work and it's not in an actively self-hating way or anything like that it's just that i dont always see the value in the stuff i create.

there's also so much pressure coming from myself when it comes to artistic pursuits that i feel like i can't or rather shouldnt invite any outside pressure to add to it (like owing people artwork). i think itll make stuff worse as in the past when i've opened commissions its put me into pretty bad art block. so for now i'm holding off, i might wait until the move is over. i was talking with a friend and i think that maybe having some type of major life change will help me be creative again. one of the best times creatively in my Existence was a few years ago when i first got to my current job. i had gone about 6 months without being able to draw or even think and 3 of those months had been spent cut off from the outside world entirely. when i came back i had a new lease on things and suddenly so much creative energy and inspiration. there were days when i had to be at work at 4 am to work on slides then i'd leave for PT at 6:30 then be back at work after a quick shower and breakfast by 9. my entire chain of supervisors at the time were really psychotic and i'd be stuck there until 18:00 some nights and i'd still go home and bang out art or drawings or stories/fic just to wake up and do it all over again the next morning.

so what was it that enabled me to feel creatively free... emotionally i was in a really bad place and intensely depressed, i was dealing with routine humiliation by supervisors at work and i was completely alone in a new city with really bad living conditions but i was still able to create and get through my Ordeals by creating. maybe too much has happened to me in the last 4 years and its killed parts of my brain off? i Dont Honestly Know. MF Doom talked about inspiration once and said that it comes and goes and that when it goes away to be patient because it will eventually come back again so i try to remember that and live by that. i try to think back in time and remember times where i felt so immensely stuck and then inevitably came out of it. either way i hope that some type of change in the stagnation ive felt the last few years can pull me forward and enable me to create things again. there's so many ideas and plans that i have but can't make it out of the initial "it would be cool to do something with x" phase. like "it would be cool to do a gay wwi psychological horror comic" "it would be cool to do a story about swamp rednecks" "it would be cool to do a cave exploring accident story" but when it comes to actually making the characters or coming up with what happens in these stories... theres Nothing...

maybe i'm misinterpreting what exactly a "break" is.. maybe the break i need isn't "stop drawing until you feel like you can draw something thats worth anything" and it's more of "draw when you want but dont hold yourself to any kind of standard and if nothing happens/you cant make the shapes/you get tired then who cares" U know? well i guess ill figure it out eventually. Have To!!! maybe ill try this week. its time for me to get back on track this week anyways, i need to start walking/getting back into my calisthenics again. well Once again im out of things to talk about so i will see U guys next week =] going to try to not freeze my butt off