19 MAR 2023

mood:
listening to: nothing right now
weather: cold, sunny

hi again, i meant to write yesterday but neocities was down a lot yesterday so i just didn't get around to doing it. i didn't do much yesterday because there's no point in going out into town on the weekend here because there's so many people and so much traffic. something i was reminded about when i tried to run a few errands yesterday and could barely get anywhere without almost being bumped into both in the store or on the road. it really ruins my whole mood whenever i go out and try to get errands done.

i think in general this school stuff is stressing me out, raised tuition + not knowing what i want is kind of making me feel like i'm wasting time that i already do not have a lot of after wasting the last 5 years of my life. i try not to look at those experiences as "wasted time" because i was working to be able to do what i'm doing now - but suddenly these goals are falling apart in front of me as i question what i Really Want out of life.

so it's a little hard not to feel super bummed out about things i guess. there are some jobs with the VA and another visinfo job i was looking at yesterday night that i think i could apply for and be able to work remotely, but i'm jsut not sure yet. the idea of going into school debt after i worked so hard to be able to not have to go into debt is killing me lol

i'm also considering getting back into photography again and doing freelance stuff through that like for events, etc. then again i think i'm a little too shy for that type of thing, i do just want to kind of get back into it though as i feel like for the jobs i qualify for i need to update my portfolio a little and i don't have a camera anymore since i'm not at my old job any longer

so much to worry about.. i really hate it... i have been spending a lot of time thinking about the freedom that came from living in the middle of nowhere with only what i needed and i miss that immensely. its too early on for me to suddenly change paths it feels like, but i cant help but feeling what i'm doing now just isn't right for me.. i have spent my whole life just kind of living in denial and forcing myself to make practical choices because its "what i should do". but then i look back at the very few impractical choices i made and how freeing they were and how they always ended up working out in the end.... just difficult to know what i should follow at this point.

so yeah, enough with the heavy stuff. i have been looking back through old photos today and thinking about how nice it'll be when summer rolls around, i wish i could close my eyes and jump 6 months into the future. i recently got backpaid some money i was owed and while i'm going to putmost of it into savings i think i'll look for a little camera system here soon too. i really want to get into taking nature photos/wildlife photos. just finished doing the dishes so now i think i'll go get an iced coffee and try to do some fun stuff today since tomorrow is monday and the week starts allllll over again.

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