10 MAR 2023
mood: 
listening to: all the world makes great blood - current 93
weather: sunny, windy
hello hello.. i am listening to some current 93 for the first time in a while tonight. when i was a teenager i would listen to tons and tons of c93 almost exclusively and as i got older i just sort of drifted away from it. but tonight just kind of felt like a c93 night, not sure why
and just like that suddenly spring break is gone... did anyone else have spring break this week? i feel like this is kind of early to have it but maybe not. my mom flew down monday night and spent the week with us. my bf had to work for most of the time but we did all 3 spend time together and it was a lot of fun. wednesday we went to the foxfire museum down in georgia which is a really short drive from me and it was so cool. i was so excited i didn't take a single picture which now i'm kind of kicking myself for.
it was really good weather for it this week too! lots of warm sunshine but not too warm to where it was unbearable. in general it was nice to see my mom and spend time with her just sitting on the couch. i just got home from taking her to the airport a little while ago and it's got me feeling a little sad, i dont miss living with my parents but i do wish i lived a little closer because they're older and i'd like to be able to spend more time with them.
and this + school starting on monday again has me feeling just kind of.. blah.... there's a job on campus i want but it requires me to shadow them for 6 hours and i just don't have the time between now and the time i'd need to have that done by so i feel very discouraged and a little sad.. i'm not sure if i should just give up or give it a go or be patient and wait until next semester to see about trying it.
i am just generally feeling kind of lost/listless here recently... i am not sure where my determined mindset went and it's frustrating. just having trouble finding a space in life right now after last year when i had found such a perfect equilibrium... i knew that was temporary and tried to savor it and i feel like now i should be continuing to feel that way
not sure why i'm even feeling this way because i got what i worked for and things have been better than ever... maybe it is just a bad case of wherever you go there you are...
just been having trouble being sociable lately too, i feel like i havent been able to assimilate into the world around me... maybe it's being autistic... maybe its my other problems.. maybe all of these things combined... either way it's really beating me up. i hate always feeling like an outsider wherever i go and while i know its a matter of applying yourself to being sociable and making friends i'm just so bad at it and automatically assume people dont like me. i'm just so used to being treated one particular way that it's hard to convince myself that it wont keep happening, why would it change now?
i /want/ things to change but simultaneously i don't know what i need to /do/ in order for them To change. getting tired of throwing whatever at the wall to see if it sticks because it's ended in me embarassing myself or getting hurt so many times that i just dont even bother to try anymore.
over last weekend i tried doing some tarot readings just to try and get a better grip/perspective on things and i did glean some insight from it but some of it felt like it was things i was already doing without results... idk! it's so frustratingly hard to be a person and so overly complicated it makes me want to withdraw from society entirely and give up on college and career and flee
oopsie and there i go being too negative again... anyways.... i spent a lot of time yesterday going through different art galleries and i tmakes me want to draw again. ive just been really uninspired to work on my projects especially when i see people copying stuff which really should not bother me because in the grand scheme of things well.. it does not matter.. but at the same time it does bother me when people who i'm friends with do that type of thing to me
i do not view myself as a very original creator and i struggle quite a bit to come up with interesting storylines/characters so when i do have something that i actually put out there it normally means i struiggled a great deal to create it and seeing friends lift that from me well feels kind of shitty
but in general im starting to feel a little more creative again and i'm looking forward for summertime when i can freely work on my comic without worrying about my school. for now school comes first, especially with finals looming in the distance. i'm struggling a little with deciding on what i want to academically pursue, i know that theres value in going to school for art (networking mostly as i feel like you can teach yourself literally any artistic skill) but i feel like i'll benefit more from pursuing environmental sciences. they're both things that i'm passionate about but i'm very stuck between the two.
anyways so that's that.. kind of a poopy end to spring break. this is why i never like going on breaks/leave because eventually it ends and you get the whole sunday scaries x1000. it always feels sooo good to get out but so hard to start again. well i will do my best to tackle next week head on and not let it kick my ass too hard. if you had spring break this week i hope you had fun! and if not hang in there!