10 FEB 2023
mood: 
listening to: coil - dark river
weather: warmer, mostly sunny
hey hey hey have you noticed the site changes? earlier this week i went in and added a landing page and fixed up some small things about the layout. nothing super big, but i feel like it makes everything look a little more polished and cohesive while still keeping a little bit of simple charm.
well i wont lie to you, its been kind of an up and down all around week. i started off today in a pretty optimistic mood but by the end of the morning it had plummeted pretty hard, but it's sort of been like that all week to be honest.
i was at work today and for some reason i started feeling really alientated from everyone and it made me think a little too hard. you know how it is when you + a bunch of people are new somewhere so you don't feel too bad about not acclimating socially right away? but then it gets to a point where you're no longer really new and everyone else has found their niche but you still havent?
this is one thing i tend to run into a lot and it makes me feel really bitter. i understand that it's not an entire reflection of myself (ie instances where i decide to put myself forward and be social to my own embarassment and detriment) but it still sucks to be the odd one out so frequently. age difference contributes to this sometimes as i'm a little older than my classmates + coworkers and it's enough to make a difference in my opinion.
this morning i found a really exciting place that i wanted to come back to after work to explore/walk, but my mood had tanked so bad and i was in flight mode so i went straight back home to work on assignments.
part of me regretted not going back but i'm glad that i waited because a lot of good things happened that really cheered me up. i heard back about a summer job i applied for earlier in the week and did really well on my chemistry test, plus the rest of my grades are looking pretty good. this + spending some time with my bf helped ground me a little and get me out of my head.
normally my answer for when i feel like this is to isolate myself, especially outside. every time something would go wrong i would go into the woods and immerse myself in the feeling of isolation in nature. it's a little hard to explain because to me it doesn't feel isolating or lonely, there's a distinct feeling of freedom that becomes ruined when other people intrude on it or enter that space.
not sure why but i decided against it this time, ive been feeling a little weird on some stuff lately and the feeling of going into the forest was very strong but i am trying hard to be more responsible towards my mental health so i decided against walking in there alone.
instead i got my bf to come with me after i had finished my homework + assignments, which in retrospect i'm glad i did because i'm a little tired and don't feel like working on them so i'm glad they're done.
we walked for a little ways, the trail felt a lot farther than it was just because a lot of it is uphill. lots of good forest and quiet, but i still miss my trail from before. i'm excited to finally have somewhere i can do my daily walks again, and somewhere i can go when i don't feel well and need to reset. i live in an area where there's a lot of trails, but my apartment itself doesn't have any nearby access on foot like where i was living before.
it was nice to walk around in the evening and sit and watch the cows and pigs on the farm doing their little things. it's starting to get warmer and i think the animals are preparing for spring.
while we were walking, slater saw a rabbit underneath some leaves and branches just watching us, it was really cool and i have no idea how it managed to spot it, you can barely make it out in this picture. we were so close to it!!
so yeah, all in all it's been a weird week. i think i have some mental stuff going on that i'm just waiting to clear up but with time and management it should go away on its own until it comes back again... never ending cycle and all dat. it's just part of life i guess. i'm looking forward to catching a break here in a few weeks from classes so i can just chill out for a little bit and get some stuff done.
another thing that really bothered me this week is i'm still struggling to get my paperwork. the VA has been calling me asking me for it multiple times and i told them what happened, the guy told me that there were other people this happened to but "they all have their paperwork now" and implied that i'm somehow the odd one out by still not having mine.
so that freaked me out and i emailed the lady again on wednesday to which she once again ignored. i followed up again with another email around 2:00 today, which she also ignored. the system has been back for well over a week now, so there's no reason i shouldn't have this paperwork. i have a lot of things i need this paper for and it's really making me angry- this entire process of working with this specific lady from the beginning of my transitioning to civilian life process has been such a nightmare.
i don't like being a dick and demanding things from people, but i can't get paid from leave days that i sold until i get this paperwork and it's cash that i kind of need right now with the amount of bills i have to deal w/. thankfully i budgeted for things to go as wrong as possible so i'm only halfway screwed, but i still hate not being able to just get even a "we're working on it, sorry!"
but i don't want to sound like i am feeling super negative right now, because i'm not. it's just a lot of little small things that are irritating me but all in all my day's ended on a nice note and it's supposed to snow this weekend. going to just relax and watch the new jonna jinton video before going to bed i think.
i hope you guys have a good weekend and ill see U soon