09 DEC 2022
mood: 
listening to: personelle - rebound (nookie drum & bass remix)
weather: cloudy, cool
well.. here we are with a new layout. i cleared out all the blog entries because it just makes me feel better to not have a load of them piled up and also sometimes i reread what i have to say and id love to kick myself in the skull as hard as possible. so where to even start... this was a very frustrating week. i'm writing this on friday instead of saturday just because i have so much on my mind i don't feel like waiting until tomorrow - and why not update everything in one day.
new layout, i really struggled back and forth between deciding if i wanted to fight with frames or not but in the end i decided to drop the frames for now. just something as plain as possible without just being text on a page i guess, i like having a container for my stuff instead of having it flying all over the page - as much as i like how that looks. something about really dirty looking html pages makes me happy. ofc i am always impressed by peoples skills and expertise with css and javascript and the really incredible and complicated stuff people are able to pull off on neocities - but it doesn't satisfy me as much as a site that's really simple and probably not very well assembled. although i myself am trying to get better at tightening up on the way i do my html, it's not great but i have gotten better since i started farting around on neocities in 2017. i'm always wanting to try new stuff but i keep coming back to simplistic things..
i also took down a few of my shrine pages, particularly the ones focused on my personal beliefs. tbh i dont know when or even if ill add them back... sudden shame or embarassment feeling from the idea of anyone being able to just look at my page and see something like that about me. but at the same time it's stuff that i'm open about and don't mind people knowing or i even /want/ people to know. there is this idea on the internet particularly within the last 10 years that everyone has to know absolutely everything abotu you at a single glance at your profile or carrd. like this idea that you should have a whole laundry list of every label you can stick to yourself is just kind of commonplace to the point where people think you're suspicious if you don't volunteer that information.
ofc at the same time if you WANT to volunteer that information than that's also cool too. you can literally do whatever you want and thats the cool thing about the internet (within reason lol). i tend to find myself admiring people who are really open about themselves maybe not in the "heres my 4000 page long carrd" type of way but in the way where people are so unabashedly themselves that they arent timid about having a page dedicated to their beliefs. i'm not sure what my problem is if it's a fragile ego or if it's me overthinking things but i have a lot of problems perceiving myself partially from just living very isolated my entire life and partially from having mental problems (who doesnt) but it's constantly leading me into dead ends where i repeatedly chase myself into closing myself off from people.
i am also very... very easily angered by people who misperceive me. this is something that came up last night. last saturday evening, something very dramatic happened as retaliation against a drag show that was happening in my county. ive lived in the south my whole life and i can tell you this is the MOST agressive place i've lived by far. in public i don't try to pass as a male but instead choose to dress as a female because i'm worried about running into coworkers but i still get angry, disgusted glares. in my life ive been put into some very intense situations because of my gender and sexuality and after this event happen i posted on twitter about how i firmly believe lgbt people should understand how to use a firearm should they need to disarm someone.
my reasoning for this isn't: every single person should open carry a cowboy revolver on their hip because s-second amendment!!!! and instead: if you need to get a gun away from someone, you need to understand how to drop the clip and put the weapon on safety without hurting yourself or anyone in the process. i don't think people realize that it can be nerve-wracking to handle a firearm if you've never touched or held one before and a lot of people get nervous and make mistakes that hurt or kill people- and that's not even in dangerous situations. if you have confidence about what you're doing then you can do it with a (somewhat) calm mind.
but of course, someone misconstrued this into me being a screaming republican cowboy who thinks everyone should have a 12 gauge on the nightstand come-and-take-it proud boy and went on a huge vague rant about my posts. keep in mind this thing that happened made national news and the situation for LGBT people in america is just getting worse. so to see someone who isn't even american complaining about my response to this and my suggestion that lgbt people should educate themselves for their own survival really... iedk it made me mad. hurt my feelings a little. 'INVALIDATED' me. BOO HOO right? whatever. i am over it now, but last night i had to get it off my chest and explain to people that the most important thing you can do In America In This Day And Age where trans people are facing more violence than ever before - is to know what you're up against.
so the big question that youre all probably thinking : Who Cares. and i asked myself that question too to see if i could actually come up with an answer- i care. but why do i care is another thing that i have to ask myself whenever i get upset about shit. it's like i mentioned before where i have been in positions where i was looking down the wrong end of a firearm because someone wanted to hurt me. i dont believe in using guns to hurt other people and to be honest i dont have any desire to own one. this is partially because i have no reason to as i don't live a lifestyle where i hunt for my own food but also because i don't want one. also i'm psychotic and i dont feel good about handling them because of this. but people see me telling lgbt ppl to gain an edge on violent people who want to harm them, couple it with my autistic interest in gear/weapons/etc and there it is: the perfect kool aid drinker for them to paint as their enemy
some people have a very particular image of me because of my current situation. which, give me a few months and i plan on writing a whole piece on it all, i won't right now until i head into this next chptr of my life. but yeah, i know that people that i have once considered really good friends started portraying me as this over-zealous patriotic cocksucker despite Knowing financial need/healthcare need/educational need pushed me into the life i have now. at the time this truly was the only way out for me and i took it. ive had people that they would rather work at mcdonalds or be homeless before pursuing the lifestyle i have but i know they only say that because a. theyve never worked a day in food service (ive worked plenty) or b. were ever faced with homelessness.
there is a part of me that pities people when they do shit like this because they just Dont understand and that's why they do this. their worldview is pinched so small that they literally cannot imagine anything beyond the pinhole of their own experiences... add it to the need to virtue signal OnLine and u got it down baby. i'm embarassed for even talking about this, but if i didnt say anything then people would just keep on pinning this shit to me.. IDK ive never been proud of it not now and not then and once it's behind me i plan on forgetting about it because of the way people treat me when they learn more abt me. the only reason ive ever bothered bringing it up is that without an outlet i wouldve driven off a mountain years ago.
i have more to say about this but ill save it for later. after im finished with quinn or maybe between chapters ill make a mini-comic or a series of mini comics detailing some of the experiences that ive had the last few years. being in this lifestyle as a gay, trans, psychotic man has left me with a lot of shit that i have had to handle myself because my own community rejected me. everyone thinks i'm on the other team so i end up with no team at all, people push me away bc they lack the ability to see things beyond black and white. i try really hard to embrace the unique opportunities and situations that life has given me because they've provided me with the ability to empathize with others and see the world in the way i do - i'm not without my own flaws and issues but you get what im trying to say right? i hope so. its easy to say you don't need anyone to understand you and turn your back on them because their actions hurt you but at the end of the day isnt that just one of our most baseline caveman needs? 2 be understood by others?
moving on... trying to make a list of things i want to do when i move into the new apartment... things i want to get for it. not exactly Needs but just things that id like to get for it. pretty much the only thing i can think of is id like to get a better couch. currently i have a little green one that my boyfriend and i can barely fit on together, normally we just lay on top of each other so we can both fit but i'd like for us to have enough space to actually be able to sit and spend time w/ each other without me putting my bony ass elbow into the poor dudes side.
well ive said just about all i can say i think.. i think this is less of a blog post more of me wanting to get all that stuff of my chest. its been a rough few years keeping all this shit inside and trying to just "get over it" u feel me. anyways ill talk to yall later peace out peace love on planet earth