once again decided to go through and re-do everything on the site again and sort of forgot to come back and tie up all the loose ends (blog, etc) but now we are back in working order somewhat. except for the fact there is still an itch to go through and do a new layout. im never satisfied with how things look - not that i dont think they look good but instead I want to try something new and challenge myself with html/css and this always is a good way to do that.

change is slowly beginning to take place, i got the phone call yesterday concerning my medical stuff that it got approved. so we're slowly coming up onto the next chapter. i dont feel the need to really go on about how stuck i've felt especially considering i've complained about it enough on here (though i'm choosing not to re-upload old entries for simplicities sake.) it's a huge relief to finally have this happening and to finally be able to move on from the last 4 years. i feel like it gave me a lot to grow from but at the same time i feel like it stalled my development as a person and set me back. theres a lot of times when i realize that 4 years /has/ passed and i'm not there (in the past) anymore and that i'm here. but it doesn't feel like i've actually caught up to it all if that makes sense... just kind of stuck in a weird limbo like the pause button got hit and im waiting for someone (me) 2 press play again.

part of the process of unpausing this has been trying to find myself. i'm not used to having to do this; as a kid growing up i was always very aware and sure of who i was as a person to a fundamental level even if i had self-confidence or esteem issues. being closeted all my life, well past the point where all my friends stopped being closeted has played a big role in this. living a double life will inevitably make you confused, even if you think you're self-assured and aware of who you are/what you need. so.. what do you do when you realize you don't know who you are anymore? where to go from there on out?

artistically, i've been spinning around in circles. i can pinpoint in my work the exact place where i got lost in "THE PROCESS" instead of just working off of emotion/instinct and following what ever was inspiring me at that point in time. for a few months now i've been feverishly chasing down my inspiration, trying to find "my art" and "Fix" it. i think i was missing the main point all along and that the issue lies deeper. the root of all this lies with my actual self and the issues that i've had with my self has been reflecting onto my work the last year or two.

the point i'm trying to make is i think that if i can grow and find myself then my art will follow and everything will fall right into place. slowly i'm starting to become a person again, i'm re-learning my urge to create and beginning to feel passion for learning new things and taking on new opportunities.

authenticity is something i've been grappling with too - every artist has a natural urge to create things that people will enjoy looking at (you may be thinking "not me" but i promise you there is some kind of subconscious urge to be easily digested lurking in there) but at the same time following that true desire to create something Real(tm). but creating shit that's real means that most of the time, it's not digestible. i find that when i create things that are real/true to my artistic vision they normally do better than my other pieces which are made out of that urge to be digested. learning to let go of this hasn't been easy, i still look at my work as a whole and think "will people like this?" when that's not the right question.

a good example of this i really like is old information/research papers from the 70s/80s, this specific style of minimal grittiness that i really enjoy looking at and trying to replicate. these things were not created in an attempt to look any certain type of way - they look the way they do out of pure utilitarian need. the layout and design of these papers exist to provide visual information on a page... not something chasing a -core -vibe -wave aesthetic of whatever kind......... my point is: i think this is applicable to the creative process. you should create something to exist in its most authentic form instead of trying to mask your work to be something specific. does this make sense? these papers create something completely unique and special to its own self without even trying and applying that mindset to your art/creations i think yields same effect.