05 NOV 2022

listening: sy & demo - devotion
weather: hot as BALLS
time: 11:05

how is it november already.. feels like january was forever ago and now here we are about to go into another new year and im stressing out because it feels like there's barely any time left for me to get things done that need to get done. and so much of it is me waiting on other people and i'm not even sure what i'm waiting on them for.

ive been getting woken up by simon super early for the last few weeks, anywhere between 3-5 AM but i dont even think he's hungry and begging for food when he does this, i think he's just doing his nightly routine that i normally sleep through. i'm a pretty light sleeper to begin with but being stressed out constantly has left me waking up at literally anything down to when my neighbor leaves for work in the morning.

this morning i was looking forward to sleeping in but woke up at 5 because of simon playing with something on the floor. i assumed he was doing his morning begging routine but when i went downstairs to feed him he didn't even follow me down. margot didn't even get out of bed!!! i poured kibble for them and they eventually went down to eat it but i wasn't able to go back to sleep. just laid there in bed and felt the stress come back and swell up inside of me until i couldn't do anything but scroll on my phone and be a big ball of nervous energy.

in general ive just been all over the place mentally and when i get like this i have precautionary measures that i put into place ie setting really strict routines for myself that ive been doing pretty ok at upholding but it only does so much. my "due outs" for the day are morning yoga, night yoga, a walk, duolingo and studying math. the duolingo and the other stuff are mostly just for my own enjoyment but the math will hopefully help me get ready for when i start school in the spring.

i made an appointment about 2 weeks ago now to speak to my social worker but they told me the soonest appointment i could get is november 30th... i accepted but it's still so crazy to me that it's so far out (i'm normally able to see them within a week or two) it's frustrating trying to get ahold of anyone health related in This World (regards to occupation) so i just am trying to be patient.

art block has been killing me and i think it's also related to the stress. art is like the one mechanism i have to relieve stress so trying to adjust to not having it and trying to find other things to replace it with while i'm struggling has been really hard. trying super hard to not to snap or be reactive with others and deal with things myself but we're just not built to do that type of thing i think. trying to wrok through the art block by copying through bridgmans but it gets so boring after a while and my brain turns to mush trying to figure out what i'm looking at... im not saying it's a bad practice but sometimes you just want to sit down and draw and not worry about "practice" you feel me??

ok no more whining. sorry i don't have images this time to pad out the entry with although i think it's okay because i'm not sure if anyone reads these and if you do don't tell me because then ill be embarassed and self conscious as to what i put here so ignore this ok. OK well a little more whining i guess because yesterday i went to log onto my tumblr and i saw it was freakin suspended!!!

when it comes to posting organically i don't like doing it publicly so all of that is saved for my private twitter and the only stuff i do post public is stuff here on my neocities OR art on my art account. i also post art on my tumblr when i remember to but that's a little more sporadic, mostly i use it just for reblogging stuff and every now and then i'll make a vague attempt to interact w/ people on there that is kind of pointless because all my mutuals on there are mutuals with me on my twitter so its like.. what's the point.

so when i saw it got suspended i was surprised to say the least, i have no idea what could have happened. well i have a little bit of an idea but its so psychotic that i'm trying not to entertain it but the last time i didn't entertain an idea that i accused of being psyhchotic surprise it turned out that it was not only true but so much weirder. so i'm trying not to play with that thought too much but also not trying to ignore it i guess. i sent them an appeal yesterday morning but it went unanswered and i sent another one just a few hours ago. there's not even so much as a "hey we got your zendesk ticket we'll get back to you eventually" email

it's not so much the blog that i'm sad about losing, yeah i had a pretty extensive resource tag and inspiration tag that i could always go to and come back out of with an idea but my url might be simply gone forever now and if you've known me for any amount of time you already know how i feel ab francis dolarhyde TT____TT so that's a huge bummer. hopefully they'll respond to me eventually, i read online that the best thing to do is just pester them daily until they're forced to either tell you why they suspended you or reinstate your account so we'll see what happens with that one.

as far as social medias go i've always liked tumblr because i don't have to interact with people to get use out of it. its the same reason why i like pinterest so much because its more about the content itself instead of interacting with others and unlike other content-based platforms ie reddit or tiktok it's much easier to curate your timeline to stuff that's actually enjoyable to see. like fandom stuff, art, photos, etc. interaction being harder to receive on tumblr vs something like twitter is kind of a blessing but also a little bit of a curse because for someone like me who wants to move away from using twitter it makes it to where it's kind of inaccessible for that type of interaction. unless you follow a very small amount of blogs that you mutually follow but then that defeats the purpose of it.

social media has been tanking for years now but it truly feels like we're in the Gutter of the Gutter esp with all this elon buying twitter shennanigans and everyone raring to jump ship with nowhere to jump to. mastodon could've been a really cool alternatives but it's just as bland and unusable as twitter but now you have to choose an instance and that instance's banner is plastered to your social media page so despite however you want to portray yourself online you have the epic wolf in the blazing embers if youre in meow.social or whatever the hell instance youre in. "just start your own instance" is definitely something you Can Do if you dont like other instances but theres definitely a skill block there. like not just anyone can make an instance which immediately turns me off to the whole thing.

i thought it would really be cool to have an instance specifically for horror/gore/that type of themed artists since all the other art instances seem a little more generalized for "art" or "crafts" but looking further into that i have zero of the knowledge or resources to start anything like that and definitely none of the time to learn it. so despite giving mastodon a try (back in june ish ) i just never found a reason to log back into it because... well... all my friends were on twitter and tumblr and there's no "grab" to mastodon that makes it different enough from the others to make me care about it.

but even then for the social medias that DO have that "grab" it feels like no one wants to bother with them. everyone LAMENTS the web of Olde and how customizable it was. ask anyone who was born in time to witness myspace and they will probably shed a tear at how un-customizable the internet is now. but spacehey and other myspace-esque "rewrittens" are out there and no one wants to bother with them. like why is that i really cant get it it's the same thing how people talk about how great MSN was and how much fun it was but no one wants to bother leaving discord for escargot. escargot, spacehey, friendproject, insanejournal, theres all these alternatives that people talk about how much they miss but no one wants to use them =(

i have accounts on these platforms but no reason to use them because idk it feels like no one uses them. guess i'm kind of guilty of this too because instead of using these platforms i use what everyone else is using because well that's where everyone is. art platforms are also something that i'm super frustrated with - when sheezyart came back it was great to have something that felt as active as deviantart used to feel. but to no one's surprise that lasted for all of 2 seconds and lets not even get into the buzzly drama lmfao. theres furaffinity if you're primarily a furry artist but for someone like me who's drifted away from the furry community over the years there's really not an audience for you on that website. and what recently happened on there i don't want to be regularly going on a site where i can risk being exposed to that type of thing (though i guess that can happen on any website and does)

theres times where i feel defeated enough to just slink back to deviantart. its just hard for me to imagine in the year 2022 there's no legitimately enjoyable art platform to post on. and i want to put emphasis on enjoyable because artstation is completely unusable and deviantart is now too after they changed their layout to look like a mobile app. is that the problem maybe??? like is everyone trying so hard to make things phone-usable that UIs and layouts have been tossed to the wind? ive always been too lazy to make mobile-friendly versions of my sites but part of me wants to just refuse to do that. like dammn you wanna look at my shit better hop on a laptop or something bro. i think its funny how people used to complain about windows XP and vista layouts and calling them preschool/playskool but now we're like.. on another level of preschool design.

well guess im going to try and take a little nap it's all starting to catch up with me. or maybe ill try to stay awake bc once you start that afternoon nap cycle its hard to break out of.... we will see... got lots of stuff coming up this week, november will in general be a really busy month for me. forseeing a lot of driving around unfortunately, praying that my car can hold out for a little while longer at least until i move and get financially stable again. so i will talk to you guys next week bye pce love U

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